Avery starts off by telling us the local butcher shop put up a poster for the movie "Babe" when it came back out a few years ago. A hand written caption beneath it read, "You've seen the movie -- now EAT the cast!"
Elizabeth works with Judi. The other day they were talking about their computers and Judi asked, "Does the hard drive ever run out of ink?"
Elise's son recently graduated from the Marine Corps boot camp. Two of his friends came down for the graduation ceremony, including Judi. (In this case, Judi was her real name -- poor girl!) Judi commented to Elise's son how cute all of the Navy guys were (of course!) and hoped to hook up with one during the weekend. Elise's son deadpanned, "Looking for some seaman, huh?"
Mike's wife was out shopping for clothes with their four year old daughter. Both mom and daughter went into the dressing room to try on a few outfits. The changing room only had a curtain for privacy. Everyone in the vicinity of the store's changing room could plainly hear Mike's daughter say, "Will I have a hairy bottom like that when I grow up?"
Jerry says he called "information" back in the days before they charged for "directory assistance" calls. The operator told him, curtly, that the number he was looking for was listed in the directory. Jerry waited and waited, and it became obvious that the operator wasn't going to give him the number! So he said, "Yes ma'am, but the directory is not in Braille." The operator profusely apologized. Jerry hung up and wondered if the operator ever tried to figure out why a "blind" man would want to go see a movie.
Ed's buddy came in late one day because his car lock had become frozen. The guy finally defrosted it by holding the key in a candle flame to get it hot enough to "slide" thru the ice. The guy said, "that worked so well I've got a bunch of candles in the glove box in case it happens again." Ed asked, "How will you get 'em out?"
Kelly was "doing the nasty" with the dock supervisor at the trucking company and most everyone was aware of it. Finally, the guy advised her that, perhaps, she'd want to stop paging him over the office intercom by saying, "Supervisor, will you please come inside?"
Robyn got a telemarketer's phone call the other night and was asked for the "person in charge of the phone bills." Robyn said, "We don't own a phone." She promises me next time to stay on the line long enough to hear their reaction . . .
Yohan worked at a department store. Judi came up to him and said, "Which aisle do you keep the stuff that you're out of stock of?"
Lee Ann called Barnes & Noble to ask about a book. Judi found the book in the computer and told Lee Ann the cost of the book was $24.95. Lee Ann asked her to hold it. Then Judi said, "You want to pay $24.95 for a book you've NEVER READ???"
Cyndy tells me that when she was a young bride of 20, her husband tried constantly to get her to "go down" on him. One night they'd been making out hot and heavy, and she felt her head being pushed lower. She sat up and indignantly said, "What do you take me for? Some kind of sucker?"
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria!"
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces,"
The pharmacist said, "that won't do you any good,"
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"
He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"
Ray and Randy were riding the New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Randy adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Ray, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a five, and gladly hands it to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him profusely and continues on to the other passengers. Randy is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on EARTH did you do that for???" shouts Randy. "You know he's only going to use it on booze!!!"
Ray replies, "And we weren't?"
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"