A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to. "I rang the bell and the nudist butler opened the door." he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the butler?" "Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid."
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor." he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing."
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "Yeah!"
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?"
"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured."
"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"
"Follow me, sir."
They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.
Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"
The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please."
They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.
Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"
"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."
Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.
"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"
"Not your child, sir. Follow me."
One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to enter. There on a pillow is a single eyeball.
"This is your child, Mister Smith."
Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse than this!?"
"Sir, it's blind."
A few years ago a group of tree-huggers was presenting an alternative to the ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the population would be controlled.
I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association.
Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea. Finally, a old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said: "Son, I don' think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eating them!!"
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for its life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
Judi is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Judi: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
J: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
J. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
J. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."
Monika meets up with Judi as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
Monika asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," Judi replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't I was SO relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.
The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life signs?"
The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer.
The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids.
No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.
Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper.
As were his chaps, pants and even his boots, including the paper spurs.
Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately -- for rustling.
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel Stephanie Seymour.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered.
"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here."
"Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!"
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."
The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why. He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success.
"I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."
"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.
"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out."
So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says "Boy
that was sure nice, now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other one."
Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared- "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"