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A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been
invited to. "I rang the bell and the nudist butler opened the
door." he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the butler?"
"Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it
wasn't the maid."
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when
they were alone in the Church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor." he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you senses?" he
shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing."
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the
alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "Yeah!"
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the
saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's
the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't
going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong?
What's the emergency?"
"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some
terrible news for you. It's disfigured."
"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"
"Follow me, sir."
They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first
door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.
Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born
this way!"
The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.
Follow me, please."
They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no
arms OR legs.
Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than
this?"
"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."
Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No
body at all.
"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"
"Not your child, sir. Follow me."
One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to
enter. There on a pillow is a single eyeball.
"This is your child, Mister Smith."
Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse
than this!?"
"Sir, it's blind."
A few years ago a group of tree-huggers was presenting an
alternative to the ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they
proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then
castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the
population would be controlled.
I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming
Wool and Sheep Grower's association.
Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea. Finally,
a old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said:
"Son, I don' think you understand the problem. These coyotes
ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eating them!!"
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a
boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself,
how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors
of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder
muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house
and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms
straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he
could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound
potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100
pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out
for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor
putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully,
and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat,
and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was
so terrified that it ran for its life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you
understand the value of a second language?"
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops
had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only
way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the
middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So
he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took
a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy
voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really
nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.
So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She
said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really
good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no
panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious
like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said,
"Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my
tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think
you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered
into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the
woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before
I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also
named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is
your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
Judi is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Judi: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that
they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
J: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I
put a mailbox in my car.
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
J. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
J. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code
keeps changing."
On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting
to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad
for the theater's concession stand, they noticed the sound was
missing. The unexpected silence continued for several
moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the
crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker
saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a
ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once
again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the
log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a
bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she
realized what had happened.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You
see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a
naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was
pulling splinters out of my dick."
Monika meets up with Judi as she's picking up her car from
the mechanic.
Monika asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," Judi replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't I was SO relieved when he told me all I
needed was blinker fluid."
I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!"
shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was
the minute I asked you to marry me!"
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road.
The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper
or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive
anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on
backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were
driving down the road and they came around this curb and
wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told
them what happened.
The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life
signs?"
The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his
head around the right way."
A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a
beer.
The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed
eyelids.
No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was
made of brown wrapping paper.
Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also
made of paper.
As were his chaps, pants and even his boots, including the
paper spurs.
Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse
were made entirely of paper.
The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately --
for rustling.
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a
discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel
Stephanie Seymour.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes,
her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a
coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out
crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me
I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a
married man!"
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their
drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you
ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his
teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his
parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered.
"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here."
"Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had
t'go bail her out again!"
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day,
the copilot was providing his passengers with a running
commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which
is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed
when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter
and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000
miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every
direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570
feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It
just missed the highway!"
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he
went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood
stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I
was your age, I never told a lie."
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said,
"give him the dog."
The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife
asked him why. He replied that he was tired of being in the
same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a
very good sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are
bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your
dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand
at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog
reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who
was at the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went
to the other side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly
the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it
simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So
why's the groom wearing black?"
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress
as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the
middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was
broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my
training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from
fainting!"
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in
the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several
hands went up, and many important things were suggested
such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master
impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on
top of that black ten!"
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and
registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company,
favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at
night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs
parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class
as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying
to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so
the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and
said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to
build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that
man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I
know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to
get laid without much success.
"I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why
you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."
"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.
"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde,
"let's go to my place and try them out."
So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says "Boy
that was sure nice, now that I'm rested and still horny, I want
the other one."
Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled
out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared- "Well,
I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"
