A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
The area had been hit with an epidemic of robberies perpetrated by the notorious gentleman burglar. One night Sally woke and shook Jim. "Jim, there's a burglar in the house," she said.
"There is not," He said sleepily. "Go back to sleep, stupid."
Just then a man sprang from inside a closet. "There is too," he declared. "Now apologize to the lady."
NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form BERNIE, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney.
In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share.
"This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."
One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff asks, "Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy Bob replies, 'Well Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissing and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
"Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots.
"Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy Bob, let's go to town!'
"I guess I'm the first one here."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
A question had appeared in an examination which read, "Give four uses of breast milk?" A student began to answer the question.
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal them.
3. Available whenever necessary.
But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing
4. Available in attractive containers.
As the Viking warship stealthily slipped up to the unsuspecting Saxon seaside village, Brodar the Chieftain, rose and addressed his followers:
"Now men," he bellowed, "our plan is to burn the village . . ."
"Hooray!!!" roared the warriors.
"Kill all the men . . . "
"Hooray!!!" they shouted again, even louder.
"And screw all the women, several times!!!"
"Hooray for our glorious leader and his wonderful plan," they shouted.
"And men???" Brodar said.
"Yes, noble Brodar?" they replied in unison.
"For God's sake! Get it right this time!!!"
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. It seems she's always fatigued from staying up all night long.
Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all."
The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home."
There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!
The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!"
With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"
Two guys in a pickup truck were driving home one day, when they see a dirt road that was big enough for only one vehicle. They debated a while whether or not to explore what was down there. In the end, they decided to go for it.
After driving down the road for a while, they saw Judi standing on the side of the road. She asked for a ride, and they agreed, so she hopped in the back of truck.
They continued driving down the road, when all of a sudden a semi-truck was coming right towards them. They swerved off the road and ended up in a river.
The two guys got out in time, but they didn't see Judi. They started to think the worst and feared she died. A few minutes later, she suddenly appeared and they incredulously asked her what happened.
She said, "I couldn't get the tailgate open."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"