"Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited."
"If you wish to leave a message for Bill, please press 1. If you wish to leave a message for Tony, please press 2. If it's Marty you're calling, please press 3.
"If none of these names make any sense to you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."
Three boys are in the school yard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? WERE you???"
Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald- cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic ensued until her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
More grunting and straining followed, and at last Edward said "My God! That was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said.
A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body."
The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation."
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Bengal pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Bengals receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said, "Yes."
He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock."
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.
At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.
The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. “I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?”
“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.
“Your hands? What do you mean?”
“Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!"
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?"
"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that??"
Sign I put up in my office today.
"In honor of Earth Day, anyone asking for help today will be treated like dirt."
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
"You were perfectly right.
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a non- optimist) sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
Let me illustrate what I mean . . .
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:
"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.
In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'"
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
We were all celebrating our friend's 80th birthday when the mail arrived. In the mail was a summons for my friend to appear for jury duty.
My friend called the court clerk. "I received a jury duty summons, but I have an age exemption."
The clerk said, "Ma'am, you need to fill out an exemption form to be granted the exemption."
"I did that last year."
"Ma'am, you have to do it every year."
"Why? I'm not going to get any younger."
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are travelling in the compartment of a train together across the British countryside. Each of the four of them is ignoring the other three.
Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the darkness comes the sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap.
The train leaves the tunnel, and the travellers act as though nothing happened.
The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing happened. I KNOW the Englishman kissed her."
The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an Irishman kiss an old lady?"
The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't to anything! Why'd I get MY face slapped?"
And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand, slap an Englishman in the face and get away with it!"
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
"As I've said many times before, the trouble with our business plan is that it depends for its success upon a steady, rapid increase in the supply of really smart people (to buy our stuff). Whereas what we see instead is explosive growth in the supply of idiots."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that, she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is, he replied, breakfast."
As in many homes throughout the US on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important -- the football games on TV, or the dinner itself.
To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the Family Room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold beer for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
Amanpreet had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Amanpreet (which means "Lizard Pecker" in several languages) told Brian (which means "Amanpreet" in several languages).
Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Amanpreet stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Lizard Pecker Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family.
Grandmother Pecker took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand- father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.
"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."
"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."
Quoted from an article about Cannibalism in the "New Scientist" 14 March 1998.
'The story of Alfred Packer, the first American to be convicted of cannibalism remains a classic. While prospecting for gold in Colorado's San Juan mountains in 1873, Packer became trapped in a shack during a blizzard, and survived by eating his fellow prospectors. He was arrested, tried, and sentenced to 40 years imprisonment, although he served only 15.
"You are a low down depraved s-- of a b----" the judge told him. "There were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale county, and you ate five of them."
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.
But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few days receives a package with the following note.
"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume."
Sam is furious with their 'solution', and returns the parcel, saying he is trying to HIDE his peg leg...not call attention to it.
The next week, he receives a second package and a note:
"Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern. Enclosed is a monk's habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look to be part of your costume."
Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are idiots for calling attention to his bald head.
The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note which reads:
"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head, stick your peg leg up your butt, and go as a candy apple."
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Liz Taylor is suffering from a fracture in her lower back and will remain hospitalized for several more days. Doctors say it is not serious, though -- and she should be up and marrying again in no time.
Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?
The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?"
The friend said, . . . "Dyed by her own hand!"
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the reply.
Once you reach mid-level management, promotions are hard to come by at the state highway. I congratulated one woman on her recent upgrade and asked if she would mind telling me how she pulled it off.
She smiled and said, "Well, sure. But I doubt very much if it'll do you any good."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?”
The caption under a cartoon showing a doctor handing a couple of pills to his patient: "Take one of these tonight and the other *IF* you wake up in the morning."
It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his butt.
What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.
In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, all dressed for Church entered the room. "Dad ?" he said, "I have a question."
"What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing his eyes from the screen.
"When am I going to be old enough not to go to Church either?"
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"
"Years ago, after my last year of law school, I was clerking for a judge and present for the morning trial call. The judge asked attorneys for one case if their clients would accept a 'pro tem' judge (an attorney serving as a judge for that case).
"The attorneys checked with their clients. One of the clients responded that he'd had bad experiences with 'pro tem' judges and would only accept one if it was Jesus Christ Himself.
"Without missing a beat, the judge turned to the court administrator and said, 'Les, can you see if we can arrange that?'"
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed. "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
Sure, you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it.
Under certain conditions, U.S. taxpayers are required to file
an estimated income tax return. A friend of mine is so upset
by this that he sends his in without either name or address.
"If they're gonna make me guess how much I'm gonna make, then they can guess who the hell sent it in."
This country is so full of opportunity, though. I mean, where else can a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the day care center where the cleaning woman leaves her child?
What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an
"Whatever you do, don't go into the light."
If there was a bisexual pride parade, would it go both ways?
I can only assume the guy who named Viagra didn't think of "Peniscillin" first.
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
On far too many dates, the young ladies complain that a quickie is "no sooner spread than done."
Amanpreet was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed Amanpreet, "just one? And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!!" Amanpreet exclaims, "Number 80!!!"
A man comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before IT gets started!!!"
The bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!"
"No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!" He drinks the beer and screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!"
"Never mind!!! Give me my beer!!!" He drinks the second glass and continues: "Third glass!!! Faster!!! before it gets started!!! Do it!!!"
Finally, the bartender asks:"Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!"
And the man goes: "Damn!!!! It's started..."
The Fourth of July is one of the most important American national holidays.
A few years ago, a group of Friends (Quakers) were holding an international seminar on Orcas Island, one of the San Juan Islands of northwest Washington.
One British Friend said, "You Americans call it Independence Day. We British prefer the term Good Riddance Day."
And this reminds me that when my wife and I spent a year in England, we were asked where we came from. I usually said, "Philadelphia - that's where we declared our independence from the British."
More than once the reply was, "Oh, yes, and I understand you've been going downhill ever since."
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the pavement."
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, "How do you spell 'pavement'?"
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says, "Head on the road."
During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor, Van, about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican.
I told him that my Father and GrandFather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.
"That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your Father and GrandFather had been horse thieves ?"
"Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."
Barber: "Your hair is getting gray."
Customer: "Try cutting a little faster."
Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven't seen him for a while."
The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard ? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."
High-school sweethearts, my wife and I were soon married and spent the next 27 years raising a family. After our grown children moved out of the house, we experienced an unaccustomed freedom. One morning, when we came home at four, I asked Shirley, "Do you remember the last time we stayed out this late?"
"I think so," she said. "We both got grounded for a month."
Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"
The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"
She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."
An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.
"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."
I have a "true" blond story for you. This really did happen... I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorthory.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. "Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest of the time they were together and right to her face). Anyway, Bimbette said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place. She laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives".
I then laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain that, "he does not exist, why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said "that is because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the darkest skinned men boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."